In her best friend's mind
by talking-eye
Summary: Random thoughts in Meredith's head. Mostly about her own love life and Cristina's. Ch.5 is up. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

I have never written anything from Mer's perspective, but I just feel like it tonight because I'm stuck with my other stories. Please R & R. Seriously, the story isn't really about Mer. Please don't throw stones at me. I'm just drabbling. It isn't even a story…

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My legs hurt. Running down the stairs with your heels is a bad idea. Seriously. So, I ran away last night. I ran away because I couldn't make up my mind. Ever since I was a kid, I hate making choices. It's complicated enough to be making medical decisions everyday, why do I have to face such difficult choices in my love life as well?

Ok, maybe I am an ungrateful person, because I've got alternatives and I whine about it. Honestly, that makes me feel bad. Look at Izzie. Oh my God, it was so heart-breaking last night, watching her throwing herself all over the dead guy. And Cristina? Two days ago she was saying she would break up with Burke, but I don't think she still has that option now, does she?

Crap, I'll be late again. I better run before Bailey sends me to the pit. Ouch, my leg hurts.

"_You're late. Again. Why can't you people be on time?" _

See, I told you, Bailey would be mad. I'm surprised that Alex and George are late as well. No, actually I'm surprised that Cristina is early. Did she really not stop by Burke's room? What if it was Derek? What if it was Finn? Would I have stayed?

"_Grey, Karev, the ER needs you. Be careful, don't kill anyone."_

Wow. The ER? As if we haven't seen enough gun shot wounds in the past 2 days. I hope they have something different today.

"_Looks like they have lots of food poisoned kids, Grey."_

I guess this is God's punishment. I shouldn't have slept with Derek.

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"_He's going to break up with me."_

"Say that again, Cristina?" I am too busy taking off my stinky scrubs in the locker room.

I nod as I hear in disbelief what just happened to Cris. I never understand how she and Burke work as a couple, but it's hard to believe he is ditching her. There's always been something special about the two, and the only people who don't know it are the two of them. The have very kind eyes when they are with one another, if you know what I mean.

"He loves you. You're his only one. Why would he break up with you?" It just doesn't make sense to me, until, well, until I hear what Cristina tells me.

Wow, this is hilarious! I know I'm her person, but I can't stop laughing. I am laughing so badly I have to hold my nose with my fingers—when you can't breathe you'll stop laughing—that's what my mother taught me.

So, back to Cristina, why did she have to strip in Burke's room? Why didn't they lock the door? Best friends do think alike. We must have been stupid. Both of us. But I was only discovered by Callie last night. I think she seems harmless. Look at what a big mess Cristina is running into. Being seen by Burke's parents? I'm feeling so sorry for her now, although I am still chuckling.

"_I was hoping to make myself useful."_

Bad timing. I don't think it is Cristina's fault. Just like me and Derek. Or Finn.

I wish I could help, but the best I can do is to let her sleep on my couch. You know, Burke actually told her to go home and take her stuff before his parents got there. Who would do this to his girlfriend? He does seem like a Mama's boy to me, but it's not the Medieval Age, why can't he explain the situation to his parents? Why does he have to conceal from them the fact that Cristina has been living with him for a while already? But then of course, there's something I can never understand about men. Derek claimed that he loved me and he was waiting for me at the lobby. And what did he do when Addison appeared that night? He pushed me away!

"I'm so sorry, Cristina. You could stay at my place, and we should go to Joe's tonight." I think we both need to give ourselves a second chance.

"_No thanks."_

I can't believe Cristina refused.

"What if they evict you?"

"_They can't."_

Now Cris is telling me she's not going to leave his apartment? How will that work? She says she'll threaten to sleep in Burke's hospital bed if she can't go back to the apartment. She says that would be enough to freak him or his conservative parents out. I guess she has a point. That's why I like Cristina. She and her stubbornness. Just like me and my hopeless addiction to Derek.

I hope she wins. I hope both of us will.


	2. Chapter 2

More free-floating thoughts more Meredith. I don't know enough about her to make her real. Apparently, I don't own these characters either.

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Misery loves company. I being trapped by between somebody's husband and some animal's vet; Cristina between Burke and his mom. I told you, we're best friends, and best friends share the same fate.

It turns out Cristina does not get a chance to threaten anyone about sleeping in Burke's hospital bed—she's literally barred from entering the room.

"You can move into my house. It's become a dorm and it's fairly safe. I mean, we just have to keep an eye on Izzie so that she won't burn down the place."

Again Cristina turns the offer down. She says she'd rather stay in the on-call room. She isn't spilling it out, but I know what's on her mind. She'll sneak into Burke's room when the parents are not around. In fact, I've seen her trying to do that a couple of times already this week. Imagine seeing Cristina do that. It's very sweet, I tell you. It just isn't long enough, because The Burkes are always around.

Sometimes I speculate that Cristina must have done something really wrong in her previous life. Having a mother like Helen Rubinstein, and now Mama Burke.

"She's only being protective. In time she'll know." I try to convince Cristina it isn't that bad as we're lying on the grass after our not so uplifting morning jog.

_"Know what? That not only am I a stripper, a racist, a selfish person, but also someone who doesn't clean, doesn't cook, and will never become a full-time housewife slash domineering matriach who rules her son's life and shuts her husband up?"_

"That you love him. You love her son." 

And then there's silence. That's why I think we're complicated. Not dark and twisty, just complicated. We all know Cristina loves him, but every time someone points that out, she seems to be stunned. I know Finn is the one with plans and I deserve someone better than Derek, but every time when I say that out loud, my own rational thought shocks me.

At some levels, I think I'm more fortunate. Both men are going to date me. Nobody is going to call me a whore. I've never been on serious dates before. Not since college. Cristina can't even kiss Burke goodnight. Not even blow him a kiss from afar. Sucks to be her. I seriously think she should rally for support from Burke's dad. He seems to be a fairly reasonable man.

_"He's not gonna help me. If Preston doesn't save me, why would his dad? I mean, I didn't even formally introduce myself or shake his hand. I'm the bad slutty girlfriend. I'm bad to the power of n."_

I don't mean to be so self-centered, but I must once again point out why Finn is so good. Not only does he bring food to my roommate when she's in distress, he also doesn't have a mother. Cristina and I, we can't deal with mothers; or families, in general.

"I thought you said you'd fight back." It's bad advice, but what more can I say to Cris?

_"Mer, I might be selfish, but I'm not stupid. We don't fight a losing battle. I'll just be…" _

"What?"

_"Nice."_

Did Cristina just tell me she'll be nice? The only other time I've seen her being so submissive was when she begged to be in some cut-throat surgery. Can Cristina really play nice 24/7 with Mama Burke?

Maybe there are really two sides to everything. I mean, Finn is nice, yet he also isn't as sensitive as I once imagined. Cristina is hardcore, but she probably can also be soft?

I have two men and I have options. Cristina only has one—although she's been telling me that she also has options, between Burke and surgery.

From what I see, she's only venting. She won't leave Burke. Surgery is good, but that man has hunted down her heart by that ridiculous cup of coffee and hot sex. In fact, merely looking at how uptight Cristina gets when she talks about Mama Burke shows me how much she cares.

It'll be Ok, eventually. I learn that from the movie _Monster-in-Law_. Mama Burke probably isn't half as nutty as Jane Fonda, and Cristina is as hot as J. Lo. 

Anyway, all I am saying is that Cristina is probably right. She should play nice. And I? I have to change my hair conditioner. My hair is a mess…


	3. Chapter 3

Where are my roses and chocolate? Why didn't someone tell me it's wrong to date two men at the same time? Well, I guess Cristina warned me, but I didn't listen.

Juggling between a career and a relationship is too hard. And here I'm dealing with two. Ok, I am not committed to either one, but what if I am? What if they get injured like Dr. Burke does? Cristina is complaining how she's treated like a dog by only one man. You'll have to shoot me if there're two.

Ok, I am clearly out of my mind. Nothing is going to happen to either Finn or Derek. People don't get shot everyday. Besides, I already have my mother to take care of, I can't imagine being put in the position of Cristina's. You know, if that really happens, I think I will leave. Seriously.

"Cristina, you're not selfish. Trust me." I don't think Mama Burke was right. My friend would have ditched her son had she been selfish. Right?

Cristina just nodded.

It isn't easy to be the caregiver. I am speaking from experience. It puts you off balance. You want to be supportive but there isn't much you can do. You want to be supported but you're too busy to seek help. The difference is that I never vented it out loud to people. Cristina, on the other hand, is ranting at everyone, including that poor brain patient's wife. Don't ask me if it's appropriate.

"But you're not his spouse, Cristina. Izzie said you called Burke your wife?" Snatching a piece of chip from Cristina's bag, I pretended to be ignorant about the whole thing.

_"Whatever. Servant, slave, spouse. Doesn't make a difference."_

I feel her pain, but it's only been 3 weeks since Burke's shot. For a proud man like him, it mustn't be easy. Not easy for him, nor for her. In fact, he was pretty _zen_ about it at first. I agree with Cristina 100 that it was the mother.

The whole thing probably has shaken Cristina up a great deal. First the break-up threat, then the gunshot, then the biting Mama Burke, and now the angry boyfriend. While I am making little steps back and forth with my relationships, she's on a volatile ride.

I think Cristina's grown up. Trust me, it's only 11am and I couldn't have been drinking. So yes, trust me. Cristina has changed. She was really calm during the rest of Mama Burke's stay, allowing him to be the biggest spoiled brat running amok. Despite all the ranting, she appeared very serene when people asked about Burke. Well, until Derek broke the news during surgery.

I feel really sorry for her just now over the operating table. Her mouth was concealed by the surgical mask but I am very certain her jaw dropped. The look in her eyes when she heard that Burke was on leave was painful. I guess nothing hurts more than learning things about your significant others from somebody else. It's just horrible.

Who said recovery is easy? Who said men are easy? I told you, we should have remained celibate.

Time for my lunch date. I know what you're going to say. Save it.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Pure drabble. Hope it wasn't too dull.

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Being a patient changed my perspective. I think I'm calmer now after the surgery. I was only mad at Derek's sister for one night. I was smiling when he told me he needs more time to think through things. I wasn't holding a grudge. See, I am a better person now.

I guess being a patient also changed Dr. Burke's perspective. I don't know if he knows about how much time Cristina has been spending on running his errands, doing scut work that she used to hate--but he has been acting different lately. He has lost his arrogance with us interns, in fact he is losing himself in paperwork most of the time, except when Cristina dragged him into the OR for specific procedures.

Most of all, I think being a patient changes the perspective of people close to you, those you love, and those who love you. The other day, Cristina shut me up by saying she had bigger things in life to care about. Was she telling me she didn't want to be my friend anymore?

I hardly see her now and when I do, she's always chewing unconsciously on her food and reading and taking notes at the same time. I wonder if she knows what she's eating. The other day she gobbled down an egg salad sandwich—Didn't she say she hated mayonnaise? Ok, maybe I'm the one who's confused, but don't you find that odd?

Right, you're going to say that I'm focusing on myself, feeling sorry because my friend, my closest friend at Seattle Grace, isn't listening to me anymore. Maybe you're right--That doesn't mean I am not concerned! She's my best friend, OK?

Cristina isn't like Izzie. She doesn't spend much time on pedicure, manicure, or beauty care in general. Yet, it still worries me to see how worn out she's become. She's like a withered plant, a walking zombie. It's worse than seeing myself in the mirror after my hangover—of course, Cristina has no time for Joe's anymore.

What does she have time for between Burke and her medical textbooks?

I used to think that the more time you spend with the one you love, the happier you get.

Not true.

Derek and I have been avoiding each other, but every time we meet, I am thrilled and I get light-headed. Quality time. Cristina and Burke are always together, but they don't appear happy to me, not anymore. I don't know a lot about him, especially now that Cristina hardly fills me in on her life, but the way they looked at each other along the corridor or by the OR board was charged with tension.

I am worried. Cristina was the one who gave me a cool-headed perspective into things and I am losing her. First we lost Izzie, now Cristina? Why do people around me always suffer? Am I really such a bad person? I thought I am a better person now. Well, maybe being a better person doesn't mean I am no longer a walking bad luck charm.

Anyway, I promised to give Derek space, and now he's coming back to me. Perhaps I should also give Cristina space—although I think if there's one person in this world who could help her restore her space, it wouldn't be me.


	5. Chapter 5

There's a saying that when happiness is shared it's doubled—what if there's no one to share my happiness? A month ago, I was still thinking about how misery loves company, but now Cristina and I am not on the same page anymore. I am bright and shinny but she is, oh my God, I have never seen her look that devastated.

Remember I said I should give her space? That's a bad idea. Sometimes, we need to push harder. When Cristina came to me to talk about the robbery, it was a red flag. I let it slip and before we knew it she's sitting here with me on the bench, wondering if she could go home.

You know how good it feels knowing there's someone at home waiting for you? That's what home is meant to be. Yes, there's Izzie and George in my house, but Derek—McDreamy—It's a completely different story.

If Cristina knew I was thinking about Derek now, she might be mad. Or maybe she won't. She seems to be so confused that it makes my heart ache.

For a long time, I envied her. Not only did she have someone to go home to, she actually had someone to go home with every night. It's so sad when she blurted out that rhetorical question of why she realized she couldn't go home when she walked across the parking lot...

I told her she did the right thing. She probably also felt that way when she went to the Chief. You see, Cristina isn't like me. She is always right. She only does the right thing. It's just that it's at the wrong time. No, I'm not judging my friend. It's just that, well, they could have told the Chief sooner. She could have told me sooner.

I still have a hard time swallowing the truth. I thought she's my friend, well, she is my friend, but this time she didn't tell me. How does it feel to find things out on your own? It's like me finding out about Addison a few months ago. We think we know people who are close to us. Truth is, we don't have the faintest idea of what they are up to.

Seriously, if I'm feeling uncomfortable about this whole thing, God knows how Dr. Burke is feeling now. Betrayed maybe? But hey, Cristina really didn't mean to hurt him. Even if there are bits and pieces that I don't know about, I will never question her intentions.

Cristina has decided to go back to the apartment anyway. I guess sitting with me outside Seattle Grace all evening won't help much. I better go find Derek too. He's not too pleased about the cover-up. I thought he would understand that I was only trying to protect my friend but his "why didn't you tell me" stare by the elevator unsettled me.

Men and their ego, don't we just love it sometimes?


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